It’s absolutely embarrassing. If my seniors’ theory is true, then I’m hopeless. I can’t possibly be afraid of the sight of real blood. It just cannot be true. A medical student can’t be afraid of blood. It’s unheard of. Absurd. Yet, how else could I explain what happened this afternoon. I’m absolutely worried.
I didn’t sleep right after Subuh like usual. I asked Kak chik to call me so I could update her on what I’d learnt from the Fiqh Sawm course yesterday. Then I started reading some of the notes that badly cried for my attention. Several minutes into my reading I was already nodding off. I slept all the way till noon. Waking up with a throbbing headache I went to the toilet to wash some clothes just till my head cleared, to be followed by a much-needed bath.
Kak Maton was using the main counter for washing clothes so I proceeded to the one adjacent to it. I hardly use that sink because it clogs easily. Having no choice, I opened the tap. When I wanted to close it, some of the metal covering the tap peeled off and grazed my skin leaving two minute metallish particles under the skin anterior to the interphalangeal joint of my right thumb. I could remove only one of it, the other remained stuck deep to the skin, in the subcutaneous tissue perhaps. I continued to wash my clothes despite feeling slight twinges now and then.
I wanted to remove the other particle before taking my shower because I didn’t want it to cause me any future problems, might as well deal with it right away. I went back to my cubicle and tried to pull it out using a nail clipper (huh, tak basuh pun thus it was hardly sterile. I was so careless; I could have risked getting an infection). Finding it difficult to do it myself, I asked Kak Rena to help me. I cringed every time she touched my exposed subcutaneous tissue, but I could bear the pain as long as she managed to get it out all the while imagining how non-sterile and harmful that procedure was. After several trials she managed.
When I looked at it, a minute amount of blood was seeping out of the particular injury. Suddenly I felt queasy. My vision started to blur. I went to my room and lay on my bed. Slightly relieved, I thought that shower would come in handy to revive my strength. Still entertaining the infection theory, I took my small bottle of Dettol and proceeded to the lavatory. Applying some of the antiseptic to my thumb, I was psychologically calmed.
I went first to relieve my scowling rectum and found myself trembling and feeling very lightheaded. However, emptying my colon did provide some form of respite. Then I took that much-needed shower.
Feeling revitalized, I forwarded my theory of septicemia being the cause of my near-faint incident. Kak Rena and Kak Wani laughed liked I’d said the most absurd thing. Kak Rena said I was probably hypoglycemic (low sugar in the blood). Feeling really embarrassed, I strongly denied it. It wasn’t even evening yet, takkan I dah hypoglycemic, kememehnya. When kak maton came in, she joined the other two and laughed until she nearly cried. Septicemia (a systemic disease associated with the presence and persistence of pathogenic microorganisms in the blood or their toxins) is a severe condition which the doctors try their best to avoid and usually does not occur with minute injuries. Furthermore, I was unlikely to be immunocompromised thus septicemia can hardly be a differential diagnosis.
Ok, so I might have gone a little far in my theory but what about the aseptic (non-sterile) method just now, couldn’t that have affected me in any way? This statement triggered another round of laughter.
If such an acute (rapid) response could not be due to infection or hypoglycemia, what else could explain it?
Only then did I take into account the possibility of my being afraid of blood. I tried to remember previous occasions and compare the symptoms.
Once during a camp, XREK 2000 to be exact, I accidentally cut my finger while peeling and halving tapiocas. I was being a wise-ass and tried to emulate the experienced pakcik who cut them using a parang. So clever was I that the first time I did it, it cut all through the diameter of the tapioca and also a bit of my left jari telunjuk. Blood was oozing out of the cut like running water from a tap, I didn’t know what to do. The mak cik took me to a nearby well and poured water over it. I screamed in agony. She then smothered minyak gamat all over it. My world suddenly became bleak. I remember them bringing me inside and laying me on the bed. The best outcome of it was I got to drink air kelapa muda because they believe that orang yang accident ni sebab ade kempunan bende so they asked me if I wanted anything. Hehe, I was actually eyeing the young coconuts being peeled by the boys. Dapat jugak I rase a bit.
Then, in matriculation, during the second (the first was ok) dissection practical, I did feel somewhat queasy bending over the opened abdomen of a mouse. I had to get some air for a moment before returning to my work. Penat kot hari tuh.
Another incident occurred at my kampong during raya. My aunt’s Indonesian maid accidentally cut her hand on a broken glass. I was the nearest person around. Blood was gushing out of her finger. My instincts told me to put it under running water but she refused fearing it might hurt even more. Mak Ngah came to my rescue (or maybe HER rescue would be more appropriate) and immediately poured minyak angin over the finger and bandaged it. Slowly, I backed away from the scene feeling a touch of lightheadedness. I felt weak throughout the remainder of the day.
I thought I was over these faintish incidences. I’m absolutely exasperated that that is not the case.
Auw, how embarrassing it is to have to admit that I nearly fainted because of an infinitesimal amount of blood which could hardly be seen.
Can I still opt for another explanation?
May be there’s a psychological explanation to it. Perhaps my naivety and lack of clinical knowledge and experience led me to worry needlessly about the risk of infection. I became so overwrought by the possible outcome that it happened just because I believed it could happen? Could that be possible?
I prefer that to the fear-of-blood theory. Imagine how disastrous that can be for me. It could interfere with my medical training. I might not be able to graduate from med school if I could not draw blood without fainting first. What about all the bloody operations and gruesome conditions of patients? I shudder at the mere thought of it all.
2.59 am
10 October 2005
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